trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
