Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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