pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
