The maid of honor just puked.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
