you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize