enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize