i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
