Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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