Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
