I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
