I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
