I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
