There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
