Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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