just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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