I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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