Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
two words: eviction party
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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