I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
