did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
