I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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