Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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