Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
