Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
