he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
