Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
