I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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