It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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