Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
