had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
