So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
