I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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