I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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