it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
