could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
