If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
