If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
