Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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