somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
