One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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