Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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