God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
where are my eyebrows?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize