and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
