I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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