tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
