god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
