I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
