Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
