hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
