Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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