So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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