Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
