I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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