I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
