Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
