Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
