Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
