I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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