You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
